Friday, December 23, 2011

Easy is over rated.

Last year at this time was ...a blur? I was released from Magee and began my temporary residence at the Ronald McDonald house/Children's hospital on December 23rd. The first few days are blurs in my memory. I had just had a c-section. I didn't get my perscription for Percocet filled so I was walking around the hospital "recovering" from a c-section and half delirious. At one point on the 23rd I remember breaking down. It was 7 pm and the day nurse was giving Case's night nurse report. It sounded aweful... "multi-cystic, dysplastic kidney, dilation and or blockage of the other kidney, posible coarctation of the aorta, a large VSD, an ASD, severe hypospadias, unfound testis, IUGR, unknown syndromes... and on. It was too much. I broke down. Right there, in front of the nurses I sobbed. I didn't even try to make it to the bathroom. I just let it all go. "This isn't how it's suppose to be." I thought. "I should be home, nursing a big, healthy baby. Spending time with Dan and the girls. Admiring my Christmas tree." It wasn't easy. In fact, it was really hard. The hardest part was walking out of his room. They let us hold him for 15 minutes each on Christmas eve and for weeks after that it was only 15 minutes. He was under the billy lights for jaundice for the first few days. I wasn't alowed to feed him. Really, there weren't a lot of reasons to be in his room but when I left him, I ached. I left a part of my body in the NICU. He was a part of me. He spent 8 months inside of me and I ached for him. Just going to the local Walmart made me cry. I wanted him in my arms so bad it hurt. It wasn't being away from home that was hard it was feeling like he belonged to the NICU that was near impossible. But easy is over rated. Easy didn't make me grow. Easy didn't make me love. Easy didn't lead me to Jesus's voice. Yes, easy is nice but easy is not what God had in mind for Dan, me and the children. God has a bigger picture. A better plan. It's not always easy but easy is over rated any way.;)

1 comment:

  1. I remember those same emotions, especially when trying to do something "normal".