Thursday, August 28, 2014

Two Cups of Coffee and Three cups of Grace.

"I don't know how you do it!"
If I got a nickle for every time I heard that, I could buy.....well, a lot of coffee....
I don't know what "it" is but I can assure you, I don't do it as well as one may think. Some days, I snap. Some days I cry. Most days I can't even function until I've had two cups of coffee. Honestly, with all that could or might go wrong, feel impossible or "not work" in this insane, beautiful, crazy life.....I barely get through the day without a whole bunch of coffee and even more grace. "By His grace we are healed". I take that figuratively. Yes, I believe in total healing of the body but I don't believe we get everything we ask for. I don't know why, but God chose our son to have Special Needs. He chose this family of six to live, to learn, to fail and relearn but most of all He chose to give us grace and grace unending......For every time I fail, for every time I snap at the kids, get grumpy at my husband and annoyed with the "system" I can go back and fill my cup with Grace. I will fail, and fail again. I don't have superpowers and even though I LOVED when my fifth grader looked up at me the other morning and said, "You really ARE super mom!" shortly after I ran back to the house in my pajamas to get her forgotten lunch box just in time for the bus, I'm not super mom. Truth is, being a mom is enough. I pray I never stop loving without condition like He loves us. That every time I fall, I'll never forget to reach my hand out and let Him help me up. 
We all DO what we can to keep our heads above water and if that means drinking a supersized Monster on my way home from Children's Hospital appointment number one milion, than that's what I'll do. With all of my heart, I believe that we are all fighting our own uphill battles and that we need to cut ourselves some slack or in my case pour myself my second (or third) cup of coffee. Don't get me wrong, I am flattered by your compliments and encourage you to keep 'em coming but I want you to know that I am "normal" just like you....:) One thing I know for sure, is God has blessed me beyond measure with tremendous friends and family to hold my hand (and pour me wine) along the way. I love them more than they know! Even though some days seem impossible and I go to bed wondering if my sweet, tiny son will ever know a life with out pain and hospital stay..... morning always comes with new strength, new grace and fresh coffee.

Friday, August 8, 2014

....She Laughs Without Fear of the Future.

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future."
Proverbs 31:25

It's a thing. Laughing, enjoying life without fear, anxiety, worry about the future... I can honestly say, one of the hardest things I've had to do on this crazy journey is slowly teach myself to enjoy life free of fear and it's evil twin anxiety. To rely on God's peace, presence and perfection. I AM clothed in dignity and strength. I CAN laugh without fear of the future, fear of the mail, fear the ever heavy financial burden, fear of ever changing insurance policies, denials and limits.......I can laugh because God's got this. Because His ways are far better than my own.....I can't micro manage this. I don't have a magic wand.....I can't change Social Security's policies, government run health care or the fact that my baby still vomits every day....I've tried and I've failed.....What can I change? What can you change in whatever situation you're in? We can change our hearts. We can trust. Trust that everything is going to work together for good. A good that looks different from anything we could ever imagine....... This beautiful boy. His beautiful life. His tiny, scarred and worn 3 year old body is changing hearts and minds. He is teaching me how to "laugh without fear of the future....."  The hard days aren't over. The questions aren't answered. The mail isn't going to stop bringing bad news.  Insurance will disappoint. I'll continue to hand my tiny boy over for endless procedures and surgeries that I never knew existed....I'll still spend nights on hospital "beds" holding the boy that doesn't belong to me, praying that he will one day know a pain free life. There are no magic genies or wands. Just wills. We have the will to change our hearts. To LAUGH without fear of the future......