A Very Special Case.

Oh, December I have a love-hate relationship with you. I love you because you’re December!  You sprinkle beautiful, white bliss all over the dread grass and bare trees. You bring comfort and joy! You host the holiday that I’ve loved since I was a child and love even more as a mother! You are beautiful and giving. You’re full of cookies and eggnog and all of my favorite foods. I LOVE that about you. But....I struggle with you. Every year, I struggle with you. You bring sadness and painful memories. You remind me of everything that was almost taken away from me. You remind me of how close I was to losing my son. You host memories of unbearable news and long, heart wrenching sonograms. You are the month that held the words, “prepare to bury  your child” and, “your baby’s body is broken. He just wasn’t wired right”. You hold lies. You remind me every year of the scary 24 hours before you marked our son's December 21st birthday. The 24 hours of breath holding, non-stress testing a...

Beautiful YOU! Dear Case, Happy three years! What a wild ride it's been. Thank you for being YOU! Bright, bold, beautiful YOU. You're different from the rest. You're insides , your outsides, your heart and your soul, I wouldn't change one tiny thing about you. I've loved everything about these crazy 3 years. I've loved the good, I've loved the bad, the chaotic and the sad. I've loved it all because it's all part of who you are and what we've become. We are different. We love more, we yell less....all because of you. You are so beautiful. Case, I'm so thankful you were born just the way you are. I love your spirit, I love your smile, you'd crooked fingers and tiny toes. I can't believe all you've endured in 3 short years, all of the pokes, all of the tests, the surgeries, the nights at the hospital but through it all, you still smile so bright. You are my inspiration and I still remember the first time I saw you. I remembe...

Dear Case, Today you are two. It's been two long years. Two years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed with empty arms while you lay in an incubator in a NICU 7 miles away. It felt like 700 miles were between us but I kept reminding myself that you made it. You were alive, which is more than they predicted. I was scared. I was tired. I ached for you. I was beginning a journey that had a lot of bumps and turns, ups and downs and I had no idea if I was strong enough. Even now, sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough. Now as I sit here watching you bathe, smiling and bright. Tubes draped over the tube, a port in your belly and scares here and there... I look back at a narrow, tear stained, rocky, pot holed, beautiful, bright, long road. This journey is more than I bargained for but has paid me back ten fold. You've brought out the best in me and though you I'm getting over the worst in me. For every one tear you've brought me one hundred smiles. For every sleepl...

Here I am. 2 years later. Two years after the hell that was Case's  pre-birth. It's been two hard years. Two years full of blessings and tears, hope and disappointment. Two long, worth it all years. As Case's birthday approaches I reflect on his life and pre-life. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Learning to take "one moment" at a time. Teaching my self not to get caught up on all the "what ifs" and  that it's okay to grieve the "never-will-bes" such as nursing my fourth, cheering him on at a football games, etc, etc. I've learned that things don't go as planed. That crying heals. That not everybody will always understand. I've seen that what I thought would be was overrated. That I need Case as much as he needs me. I realize I wouldn't change him for the world because he is a new-kind-of-perfect. I realized that no mater how many times I go though one of his surgeries, I'll probably always cry whethe...

This life that I'm living is my story. It was written before I was born. A beautiful story full of tears and smiles, exhaustion and energy. I'm not in control of most of my story, just how I choose to "be." I want to be a character full of grace. I want people to think of my story and smile, but mostly I want to make my maker proud. Some days feel like they'll never end.  I feel like I'm in over my head with paper work, phone calls, and children, but when I close my eyes at night, I'm certain this is the perfect story for me. This past Tuesday I was having a "blah" day. I was discouraged in the fact that it seems like lately when we get one of Case's problems under control 2 more rise up. It's like taking one step forward and two steps back. When I got the mail that day there was a small box with a simple bracelet from a dear friend. You see, my birthday is tomorrow and she got me a gift but what she didn't know is that it would co...

Today Case is one. It's been one heck of a year. I wouldn't change one moment or take back one tear. Blessings came from rain drops that poured down like a storm. His healing came though pain. It felt like it took a thousand sleepless nights to know He's near.  This has been a beautiful year. I am thankful for every appointment. Every trip there and back. My talks with Dan. For Case's doctors. For the hard times and the easy. For the relationships and the many, many people Case has blessed. This little boy has been through more in one year then many people experience in a lifetime and all the while he has never stopped loving. Never stopped smiling. Never lost His peace. He is truly a gift. Case's aunt got him a birthday card and this is what it read: Here's to many more years of being bigger, stronger and bolder.