Dear December.
Oh, December I have a love-hate relationship with you. I love you because you’re December!
You sprinkle beautiful, white bliss all over the dread grass and bare trees. You bring comfort and joy! You host the holiday that I’ve loved since I was a child and love even more as a mother! You are beautiful and giving. You’re full of cookies and eggnog and all of my favorite foods. I LOVE that about you.
But....I struggle with you. Every year, I struggle with you. You bring sadness and painful memories. You remind me of everything that was almost taken away from me. You remind me of how close I was to losing my son. You host memories of unbearable news and long, heart wrenching sonograms. You are the month that held the words, “prepare to bury your child” and, “your baby’s body is broken. He just wasn’t wired right”. You hold lies. You remind me every year of the scary 24 hours before you marked our son's December 21st birthday. The 24 hours of breath holding, non-stress testing and more sonograms. You hold the dark and scary, (8 years later) gut wrenching memory of his tiny heart dropping to 24 beats a minute. You bring hot tears. Every year you bring hot tears. Just when I think I’m losing it, I remember, it’s December and I'm not going crazy.
It’s not your fault and you’re not all bad. You are the month God decided to let us keep our son. Our 2 pound 13 ounce full term son. You are the month that started this journey. The good, the bad and the beautiful. You are hard for me and last year, you almost broke me. Last year, you were the month that held painful gut wrecking intestinal contractions and almost a full month of hospital admissions. You brought back fear and IV nutrition but you showed me once again how strong we can be when strong is the only option.
December, you are the hardest month of the year but I still love you.
You sprinkle beautiful, white bliss all over the dread grass and bare trees. You bring comfort and joy! You host the holiday that I’ve loved since I was a child and love even more as a mother! You are beautiful and giving. You’re full of cookies and eggnog and all of my favorite foods. I LOVE that about you.
But....I struggle with you. Every year, I struggle with you. You bring sadness and painful memories. You remind me of everything that was almost taken away from me. You remind me of how close I was to losing my son. You host memories of unbearable news and long, heart wrenching sonograms. You are the month that held the words, “prepare to bury your child” and, “your baby’s body is broken. He just wasn’t wired right”. You hold lies. You remind me every year of the scary 24 hours before you marked our son's December 21st birthday. The 24 hours of breath holding, non-stress testing and more sonograms. You hold the dark and scary, (8 years later) gut wrenching memory of his tiny heart dropping to 24 beats a minute. You bring hot tears. Every year you bring hot tears. Just when I think I’m losing it, I remember, it’s December and I'm not going crazy.
It’s not your fault and you’re not all bad. You are the month God decided to let us keep our son. Our 2 pound 13 ounce full term son. You are the month that started this journey. The good, the bad and the beautiful. You are hard for me and last year, you almost broke me. Last year, you were the month that held painful gut wrecking intestinal contractions and almost a full month of hospital admissions. You brought back fear and IV nutrition but you showed me once again how strong we can be when strong is the only option.
December, you are the hardest month of the year but I still love you.
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