Monday, March 18, 2013

In the middle of my little mess..



One of my favorite "Case songs" is This Is The Stuff by, Francesca Battistelli. The first time I heard it was at CHP during his 38 day NICU stay. My favorite line is: "In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed" and "So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world". Granted, I have more "little messes" than parents of all "typical" children. And maybe some of my "messes" are a little bigger than little BUT they aren't burying my son (something I was told to prepare to do) and they aren't going to kill me (well, at least I hope not! Lol).

Being a special mom is hard. It's exhausting. You feel constantly on guard for the next "mess". You're frequently fighting with insurance companies, pharmacies and billing offices. You clean up puke more times than you tie your shoe and JUST as you're about to walk out the door something starts beeping or leaking. And yes, sometimes you cry. You yell more than you want to and you wonder some days if you're going a little crazy. You're life is out of control. You can't make the world understand your child. You can't make them love him like you do. You can't make "life" slow down so you can do all the special mom things without the extra crap life throw at you. You need more time in the day to do what needs done. You'll probably always feel like there's more work than day and like there's always "to dos" on the to do list but what you can control is your attitude. That's it, really. You can love the unlovable because God loved them first. You can forgive yourself 70 times 7 then forgive the insurance company's social worker for still calling (after you told her twice to stop) because forgiveness produces bitterness. It puts shackles on your heart. You can only do so much because you are only human. There will be a million "little messes". It's time you give yourself a break and know that it's not the "end of the world" and you'll mess up again tomorrow but that's okay because you are growing. You are a better mom now than you were yesterday and you'll be even better tomorrow because even when you're pretty sure you're screwing up, you see in your child's eyes they you've done something right.




2 comments:

  1. Very wonderfully said. My son is autistic and has a severe mental illness but I relate so well ;)

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