I have a confession.

I have a confession. I'm tired of fighting the food battle. For all of the 17 months Case has been alive, I've been fighting my butt off to get this child to eat right and grow well. The food battle started as soon as Case was born. They whisked him away from me via helicopter (even though we were only minutes away in Magee Women's Hospital) to Pittsburgh Children's Hospital. Once he was gone, the food battle started. I pumped around the clock every three hours to have milk for the time when they allowed me to nourish his tiny body with bottles then with breast. If only it would have been that easy. He was about a week old when they first let him eat, after a day or so they stuck a tube down his nose. Eventually they let me try to nurse. He was too weak. Once he was sent home, they took the tube out of his nose and I was feeding him fortified breast milk every 3 hours (around the clock). I was also pumping. This went on until I could no longer keep my milk (around 3 months). He never physically could nurse. He went to Similac Expert Care Neo-Sure. He didn't handle that well, so they switched him again. He's never been a good eater. I begged him to eat. I wiggled him. Walked him. Tapped his bottle. He cried, I cried. I bounced him. supported his chin etc, etc. Once I added solids, I was still begging. Now I held his hands down. Held his mouth open. Got spit on. Vomited on. I cried, he cried etc, etc. Finally when he was 11 months old, they placed a g-tube. He weighed less than ten pounds. I had high hopes for the G-tube and fundo. I thought things would get easier. He would just "eat" and grow. I was wrong. Things didn't get easier, just different. Since then we have switched formulas 4 times. He retched (violent heaves because the Nissen doesn't allow vomiting) so much that he now vomits. He has been constipated; had diarrhea for 4 solid weeks. He is now 14 pounds 6 ounces, 17 months old and once again the doctors are at a loss. This past month his weight went up and down. He isn't gaining right. He is eating next to nothing by mouth and lately gags, chokes and sometimes vomits with most foods (even applesauce). He wants to drink but he chokes, gags and aspirates thin liquids and hates the thickening powder I put in it. I could go on with the "feeding battles" but I'm sure you are already losing interest. :)

Long story short, I'm trying hard not to lose my focus. I've gotten caught up in this never ending (or so it seems) battle. This new formula (he started it Friday) has real foods. We add a powdered calorie and fat booster. I really thought this was it, and I am still holding to the hope that maybe it will take a few more days... We were in public yesterday and he vomited everywhere-the floor, my diaper bag, me. It's not spit up. He doesn't just open his mouth and let it pour out. He retches, sweats and heaves until it comes up. More times than not, something does come up. I was sad, discouraged.

With ALL that being said, I am doing well- just needing to trust in the big plan. To keep on keeping on and count my unending blessings. So, unless you come to my house and find me dead on the floor, I am getting stronger. Ha. Besides, this is what has been chosen for me. I still would not change my special boy, I am just tired of seeing him hurting and sick. I am ready for the feeding battle to end. I'm not in a hurry to get the tube out, just wanting the tube feeding process to go more smoothly.:) After all, what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.Things could be a lot worse. I still feel blessed.

This is what a nap on a bad day looks like.:)