When Happiness is Hard.

I have a confession to make...sometimes it's hard to be happy. Right now, actually I'm in a place where happiness isn't coming easily. Honestly, it's embarrassing to write. I should be so full of joy. With a great job, four beautiful kids, a hard working, loving husband and a roof over my head why wouldn't I be happy? Is it that I' ungrateful? No. It's not that.. Is it that I'm depressed. Nope, depression is dark and debilitating and awful and this is just a nagging blah that I wake up in the morning with some days. Don't get me wrong, I find happiness. Happiness is Lainey holding my hand at the end of the day telling me a funny story about school. Happiness is kissing Case's freshly washed face goodnight after he's fallen asleep. Happiness is watching my two oldest help each other navigate Jr. high drama, academics and life in general. Happiness is all around me but sometimes I have to look harder to find it. Sometimes I have to be intentional about being happy. Seriously. In this crazy world where my days consist of phone calls, medicine drawing, appointment making, traveling to specialists, managing the pain and nausea of my 8 year old with chronic illness and all of the "normal" tasks of a working wife and mom, happiness sometimes escapes me. When I find myself in a place of sadness and blah I have two choices: eat a sleeve (or entire package) of Oreos and take a nap that is so long it makes my head hurt and gives me a groggy feeling OR find the happy. I'm slightly ashamed to say that I spent years making the first choice and would wake up n a worse state than hours prior to my binge eating and hibernation. This was easy, this made all the sadness go away for a couple hours but then it came back with a vengeance. Choice number two takes dedication and energy and is still a work in progress.
When you have a sick kid the whole world give you a sad pass. It's like, "Well, those cards you were dealt kind of suck so we don't expect you to be joyful, just be sad. We won't judge you." Here is the problem with that theory, we (the moms of kids with Autism, Intestinal failure, Down syndrome, and so on) are the ONLY ONES IN CHARGE OF OUR HAPPINESS. Let me say that again for the people in the back, YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR HAPPINESS. This is forever guys. This isn't a "this too shall pass" kind of thing or "only for a season" situation, this is a "my child was born with birth defects, chronic illness, special needs and I can't change that" situation. What can we change? Our attitudes, our outlook, our decision to commit to finding joy on the heavy and hard days. It's hard, it's so hard and I know that some days I'll choose a fat nap over a perspective adjustment and that's okay. Perfection isn't my goal, peace is and if I can do it.... the lady that just told you she eats till she's sick and sleeps till spring then you can to! We are in this together. We are members of the same pack. Roar on momma lions, roar on!