I’m Sorry.

-
Sometimes, we are stuck in situations we can’t control. Sometimes, the ONLY thing we CAN control is our attitude. Sometimes, those situations are so sucky that the world gives us PERMISSION to feel sorry for ourselves and we do. I do. I was sitting by my son’s hospital bed during admission number 4 million and was throwing a little pity party for myself....It was Friday. My son was admitted the night before and we were looking at about a week behind these four walls. We had plans for the weekend. Plans to get away for for a few hours, my husband and I. We were going to spend time together, eat our favorite food and celebrate his birthday. All these plans changed  quickly and were replaced with needles, IV fluids and hospital gowns. So, I did what I normally do and pouted a bit. I thought, “of course this happened! We had something planned and every time I plan something fun for myself, it doesn’t go like I imagined” and on and on my pity part went. In the thick of my internal whine fest I heard a small and quiet voice, “Someone is longing for the very thing you are upset about right now.” At first I thought that was crazy! Who would be wishing to be in the hospital with their child? Then it hit me! The faces of all the mommas I know would want to be here went though my mind. The mommas that don’t have their babies to cuddle any more. The mommas that are in the ICU by there intubated, sedated baby wishing they were in MY spot.
This is a community. A community of medical mommas that have laughed together, celebrated together and cried together. I’ve walked past little caskets with race cars and tiaras and my heart aches for what is gone. It’s those moms that would give anything to be here on a regular hospital floor drinking a Starbucks with a discharge date in mind. There is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS SOMETHING to be grateful for! So, to the momma that is in the icu or the momma with empty arms, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was complaining. I’m so, so sorry I took the life I’m living for granted. I’ll put my big girl panties on and know that I, in this hospital, by this bed am blessed. And I will say a prayer for you tonight.❤️

Comments

  1. UnknownOctober 16, 2018 at 6:38 PM

    Prayers & hugs coming your way. I know this is so hard. Your getaway will come soon. Take a deep breathe & lean on God❤️🙏🏻

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownOctober 16, 2018 at 9:30 PM

    It’s hard when you are knocked down quite often. It’s okay to have a “This stinks” moment. You have that right.

    Good thoughts-thinking of Mama’s that would give anything for have a “This stinks” moment.

    We’re human; we’re allowed to be down for a moment. But, choosing to stay down in that constant moment is a whole other thing. You’re not wallowing; you’re venting!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

About Case.

-
Image
Let me tell you all about the boy that is the inspiration behind A Very Special Family. Before Case was born we knew he was sick. During the routine "gender scan" ultrasound they found a "spot on his kidney and a spot on his heart." They referred us to a high risk OB about an hour away from our home. In order to not drive myself crazy, I decided to tell myself it was nothing in the days counting up to the appointment. It was something. It was a lot of things. I'll never forget that day, the day I heard the laundry list of birth defects, health problems and complications my sweet baby had. I remember my world starting to blur. That day, in the OB office right after I was told our baby was sick I don’t remember much but I remember hearing the word “Grace”. It was clear and unmistakable. At the time, I thought the baby was a girl and that was to be her middle name. Once we got home from that appointment, I looked up the word Grace. Blessing and
Read more

About Case.

-
Image
Case is our fourth child. He has 3 sisters. At 22 weeks pregnant I had a routine ultrasound. The tech seemed calm, ordinary. She said we were having another girl. We named her Parker. "She" was healthy. Typical. Fine. A week or two after that "normal" ultrasound we got a call. There was a spot on our "baby girl's" heart and one on "her" kidney. Not a big deal. At about 25 weeks of Pregnancy, We had a second level sonogram about an hour away from our home.  I was told our baby would be different. Very different. It's limbs were way behind in growth. It had heart problems, kidney problems, and was small. Very small. The doctor strongly suspected Down syndrome or Trisomy. He did an amnio. I cried. He told me this was not my fault. I was doing everything I could. The baby was just made different. Two and a half weeks later, I got a call. I was there, in that hotel. On a mini "getaway" with the family. The doctor called an
Read more

"This is not the end of the road."

-
Image
"This is not the end of the road. You don't want to see the end of the road...I have, and it's not pretty"-Dr. Ruldolf's response to me saying, "I just really feel like we are at the end of the road..." We're doing it (by we I mean Case). He's getting the GJ, this Friday. It's not the end of the road but the beginning of one. A new adventure. The GJ will help him grow. The food running straight into his intestines and bypassing his stomache means that it will absorb correctly. And if all goes well, the vomiting will cease, and Case will steadily and painlessly grow. This GJ will be put in at radiology while Case is awake. They will take the Mic-key button he has now out and put a new something (not sure what it is called) in. It will have 3 ports. One that feeds food to the stomache, one that feeds food to the intestines, and one to fill the balloon. If it gets ripped out, we can not put it back in. We will drive to Pittsburgh, and they will
Read more