Saturday, April 6, 2013

Oh, Worthless Worry....



Sometimes I play events over and over and over in my head before they even happen. Things that plague me. All my worries then consume me, make me weary and on edge. It's as if I think God needs my help. I feel like if I don't figure everything out, nobody will. Sometimes I've wondered if I have bad luck. Like all the stupid things that could go wrong do and in the matter of a week, I've been in a car accident, bought a house with a broken fridge, cut up telephone wires and electricity issues. Had children with the flu, a whole lot to do and a leaky ceiling...... In that same week, I was puked on, dripped on and yelled at, disrespected, mistreated and let down. We sold a house, bought a house and tried to settle in despite all the crazy shit I just mentioned. I cried, a lot. I wondered if I wasn't listening right, being punished or never going to have relief from migraines. All of this on top of beeping pumps, med schedules and trying to get four kids comfortable in a home an hour away from home. I was over it. I wasn't sure God got how done I was. I've been through more in the past two years than some have in a lifetime. I watch a tiny, man find his place in a world so different from him and I've seen people change. Some for the good. Some not. So, during my crazy week (less than a week ago) I wondered if I'm just unlucky. If it's just always going to be hard to be me. If I'll ever, EVER get a break from the constant worry in my head. And as I played the same scenario over in my head for the 100th time, something that may never even happen but had me all in a tizzy because someone I've only met once, threatened to make things even more difficult on me. I prayed. I stopped "fixing" a problem that doesn't exist for the 100th time and I cried out. I can't live like that. Sometimes I even fear that God will take it all away (like he almost did Case) to teach me all I need is Him. After my prayer I opened a book I've never read, a gift, to this, "When doubt whispers, 'I can't stop worrying'." And then the quote, "Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them only when they actually occur." Oh. My. God....You know! You (God) know that I feel a little crazy and can't stop worrying NO MATTER how HARD I try!!! God, I saw you almost take my baby away. I've seen you take lots of babies away. I see a mom barely older than me fighting stage 4 cancer and Lord, I'm scared. I'm scared that you'll turn my world upside down again and this time I won't ever turn back around... Lord, please take this worry away. I believe IN you, now, help me to believe YOU. To believe that you will never let me go. That you will always hear my cries and go before me. Help me to know that being out of control is the best way to be because it makes me put all my trust in you. You alone are enough.



 Lost your way and you don't know how it happened
So much time you wasted chasing satisfaction
Seems like there's no where else to go
Please, I wish that you would come home

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are

Grace is underestimated
All you ever really have to do is take it
God is bigger than the times we fail
So why can we not forgive ourselves?

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are

So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never are, you never are, but you never are

You will never be perfect, oh
But you're still worth it
You've gotta just believe

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, oh
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never, you never, you never are, you never are

You never are, you never are, are, are
You never are, you never are, you never are, are, are


2 comments:

  1. You are always in my prayers & we'll continue sharing Case's story on Facebook. I have felt this overwhelming sense of worry before. My heart breaks for you & all you've endured, from one SN Mom to another. Praying peace over your heart, home & mind.
    Love in Christ,
    Tiata Sissons

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  2. Love this blog entry. Makes me think of the quote, "Worrying is like praying for something you don't want." Someone said that to me when I was hospitalized for preterm labor for a month, but I've been thinking about it now a lot lately. I'm a mom to a 18 month old little guy who has a yet undiagnosed genetic condition and I struggle every day to keep worry in check. I'm enjoying reading your story and perspectives. Case is precious and so stinkin' handsome!

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