You: "How are you?"
Internal me: "I might burst into tears.... It's been a rough week and it's only Wednesday. I've caught vomit, stuck a needle into a port, tracked a fever, spilled meds, hooked up IV fluids, make 600 phone calls, worked till 5 each day, tried to cook diner and straighten the house. I've fallen asleep waiting for the night nurse to come when I know there is so much more to do.... All the while, I've tried desperately to make sure my three other children felt as loved and "normal" as possible... Do you really want to know how I'm doing? I mean....REALLY? Will you give me "advice"? Will you tell me how "strong" I am? Will you say, I don't know how you do it? OR will you just look at me with a blank stare because, really you thought I would just say..."I'm okay."?
I give you a smile and say, "Good. I'm good, you?"
Now that I'm 6 years deep into the crazy, beautiful, chaotic, blessed journey of raising a medically chronic child I've realized something... IT'S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY all of the time.
A few months or so, a coworker asked how Case was. After rambling for five minutes about Intestinal dysfunction, appointments, vomit, Drs, and insurance I looked at up and said, "oh. I'm sorry. Should I have just said 'okay'?." The answer was, "No. I asked because I wanted to know".
The truth is, I'm not always "okay". I have days when I think I can conquer the world. Days where I go to bed thinking, "I've got this." Then there are days (more often than not) when I wonder if it's possible to die of exhaustion. I wonder if my girls are faring well. I wonder if I'll ever be completely "okay".
Somehow even when I'm not "okay" it's okay. This crazy, chaotic life is strewn with beautiful.
A beautiful husband who's always there at the end of the day to tell me "We've got this". A beautiful job that keeps me grounded and gives a a glimpse into lives just like mine, mom's that aren't always okay and you guessed it....that's OKAY! Four BEAUTIFUL children, one that was made perfectly imperfect and three that have grown into lovely young ladies that see how beautiful different can be.
The reality is, we aren't born strong. Strength comes on the journey. I wasn't hand picked to have a special needs child because I'm better than a mom of typical children....I don't know why God picked me to be the mother of this amazing boy but I know that somehow it will all work out and in the end, the only person that expects me to be perfect is me.
It's okay not to be okay.❤