My baby was "made wrong"....sick inside of me. No mater how healthy I ate. No mater the fact that I didn't smoke, do drugs or drink, my baby was disabled. He was full of health problems and I prayed. I prayed he'd live. I prayed that if he didn't, I'd have the grace a peace to say goodbye and still exist....I prayed for healing. I prayed for peace in the storm but above all else, I prayed for God's perfect will to shine through the darkness.
Did I believe God could heal my baby completely? Yes. Did I pray for that? Sometimes but above all else I prayed my heart would stay thankful in ALL circumstances and that this tiny life inside me would bring God glory.
Fast forward 4 1/2 years. God didn't heal my child and that's okay. I'm at peace with that. Does my heart break a little with every surgery, every procedure, every time they put him under, blow IVs, hold him down? Yes but God can put that back together. He gives me strength along the journey. Sometimes, strength is my only choice. Do I think I'm not Christian enough? Not worthy of a heathy son? Not Godly enough? Do I think God punished me for not being "enough"? Absolutely not.
My child....no...God's child was made perfectly imperfect and I'm okay with that.